Playing Catch-Up
It’s been a hot minute since I wrote (or wanted to share) anything. I’ve been struggling with who I am, battling myself on past mistakes and trying to find a way to keep moving forward. Safe to say, it’s not been easy, but I’m still here and even if it feels like I’m trudging through, I’m taking the right steps to get where I want to be.
The beginning of September marked 6 months of sobriety for me. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t surprised that I made it that far. I’ve said this a million times, but not drinking really was the easiest part of that six months. It was therapy, realizing how terrible I’d been not only to friends, but to myself, for most of my adult life. Accepting that I’d set out on a path of self-destruction because I no longer wanted to…be. Finding footing after things seemingly came crashing down on my psyche (most notably in the middle of the night when my brain wouldn’t shut off) was especially difficult.
I was in this weird limbo (more like purgatory, actually) between wanting to stay soberish and wanting to “get back out there” and start living life…I’d say again, but I don’t believe I was actually living any kind of life when I was deep in that self-destructive shell of a person. SO…I decided I didn’t have to decide to be completely sober or not. I knew that I didn’t want to go back to the way things were, like ever, but I didn’t know where I was going. I drank at celebrations, I made better decisions and I also abstained at social gatherings. All of it felt normal to me, but that in itself was strange. I no longer knew what normal was, so I had to create a new norm for myself. I still spend a LOT of time alone, whether in my feelings or not, and I do enjoy the peace that comes with that. However, I find myself craving that connection I don’t think I ever allowed myself to have before. Ever the anxiety-ridden person I am, the desire to find connection is often clouded by my need for solitude and the comforts of my most controlled environment – home. I’m proud to have created a home for myself that gives me a level of peace I never knew I needed. When I do have the opportunity to connect with friends, it feels more genuine and I feel more present than ever before. Slowing down, apparently, has been the best thing for me.
Heading into the holiday season, I felt more relaxed and confident in myself and the boundaries I’ve set in place to protect my peace. I spent Thanksgiving with one of my best and her mom in Tucson and it was lovely…we had wine, watched Hallmark movies and sang karaoke until almost midnight. It was magic. Christmas will be spent with family, as per usual, but I feel good about myself going into it this year (I say that now, but it’s maybe not close enough to feel any of that big-family-gathering level of anxiety haha). I’m looking forward to the few holiday celebrations already lined up this month, seeing friends and family and enjoying the cozy vibes that my Christmas tree gives me every night. Having the week off after Christmas certainly doesn’t hurt, either. 😊
