Ch-ch-ch-changes!
It would be a gross understatement to say that things change when you cut out drinking from your life. The hardest to accept thus far has been the shift in relationships, more specifically, the friendship shift. I realize that I’m no longer the go-to happy hour invite, but was that really the basis of all of these friendships? Are people assuming I don’t want to be included because they’ll be drinking and I won’t? I’d feel like a complete douche if I offered up that it won’t bother me if they drink, because personally that would make me even more anxious about it than I maybe was before. So I just leave it alone, but I can’t deny that it’s sitting in the back of my mind. That’s my issue to deal with.
I can get past not being invited to happy hours, obviously that’s not something I should be attending anyway. But sometimes it feels like I’ve been reduced to a mere acquaintance…and that hurts. Spending time with girlfriends meant long lunches, lounging by the pool in the summer enjoying drinks, laughs and conversation, rolling the day into dinner and then go home at the end of the night…often having had a little too much to drink. Occasionally, the night would end in a drunken spat, more often than not at my being drunk and triggered by something that was said. Now, spending time with those same girlfriends is chopped down to a scheduled 3-hour time span that barely squeezes in time for a meal and a quick rundown of life updates. It’s not my favorite to realize that I’ve been downgraded, or that time with me should be kept short, so other (more fun) things can be dropped into the schedule. To be fair, I could be the only one feeling this way and assuming it’s a conscious choice to keep the time short…I’m well aware of my neuroses, and this is all new to me too, but here we are.
This has meant a lot of time spent alone for me. It’s hard to want to reach out to people when you get the vibe that they’d rather go have a drink with anyone than endure a sober lunch with you. Was drinking really the most fun thing about me?! I certainly don’t think so! My ability to laugh and be lighthearted and funny has only opened up, where before it felt stifled because of the anxiety-induced overconsumption. Oy, what a paradox, huh? Even though anxiety still hangs around like an annoying shadow, I genuinely feel lighter and free to be nerdy and soft. It makes me sad that, in this moment, friends don’t seem to want that side of me. It feels backwards. I hated myself so much that masking everything that could be lovable was the only way I knew how to operate. Now that I’m learning to love myself and accept even the less fun things about me, I’m feeling more alone than I did when I was trying to hide those things.
I know this is all part of shedding that mask of insecurity and self-loathing, but that doesn’t mean it’s a fun process. Change, while inherently necessary and ultimately beautiful, is hard. I’ve had to look at my relationships and reassess who is good for me in this new space. The friends that were my go-to drinking buddies, I have had a fairly easy time stepping away from. There are friends I’ve gotten closer to in this, deepening the bond that was already there. Those friends have shown unwavering support, and I know without a doubt that they’ll be in my life forever and ever amen. But there are a few friends that have fallen into some kind of grey area, where it seems neither of us know how to navigate a path forward. I have so much faith in the way that I’m growing and learning that I will find a new way to bond with people to expand myself and my friendships. So here’s to leaning into this new version of life and all its hidden beauty.
