Gratitude > Self-Doubt

A few days ago, I left a conversation with a friend feeling a lot of big emotions. I was surprised at how quick I was to put all the blame on myself for the recent distance in that friendship, and it spurred a mini self-doubt spiral that kinda took the wind out of my sails for a bit. I puttered around the house, talking it through with myself, as I often do (out loud, mind you…good thing I live alone). I cried, I rationalized, I felt defeated and was convinced I am not a good friend. I piled all of this onto myself in a matter of minutes.

I then went back and took to logic and reality – imagine that. Once again, I realized I was being way too hard on myself and, instead of wallowing in that, I chose to find a way to show gratitude to a couple of people who have really been there for me these past several months as I navigate the newness of, well, everything. I’d picked up a couple of blank cards with encouraging messages on the front on a trip to Target about a month ago and decided it was a good way to give back some love. I’ve never been much of a card-sender, as much as I love getting them and know the immense value our words can hold, especially when someone doesn’t know they need them.

Ever the terrible letter-writer, I typed out what I wanted to say in the notes app on my phone just to get the scribbles out (IYKYK). I then put pen to paper, or cardstock rather, and got to it. I found myself needing a little break in between because the emotions were swelling and I didn’t want to essentially copy and paste onto the next one. After I’d sealed and addressed the envelopes, I found myself tearing up at the gratitude that filled me.

I mean…how is it possible that I, a person who was a complete disaster just a few months ago, could now turn a spiral of self-doubt into a showing of gratitude? Is this what evolving really feels like? Reeeeally. This is how “normal” people regulate their emotions?! Well hot dog, let me keep that momentum going! I know I often mention therapy and/or my therapist, but damn, this is creating some AMAZING changes I did not even know were possible. These are the kind of changes that most people don’t get to see. This evolution is becoming something so special to me that I can only hope it continues to grow and progress.