Feeling Feelings
One of the biggest factors in drinking to excess was escaping my feelings. Something I didn’t consider is that I was escaping the good feelings, too. The more I was alone and allowing myself to sit in my feelings, the more depleted and defeated I felt. It’s a whirlwind to go from up, down and everything in between in the span of a day. I felt such a myriad of emotions, it was hard to focus on any one thing. It’s no wonder escapism seemed the easier path, in its own way.
Consistently having to pull myself out of a negative frame of mind, while 1000% worth it, is effing exhausting! I have felt so fragile that the tiniest thing (a bad/weird hair day, a spilled coffee or an outfit mishap, to name a few) could throw me into a near complete breakdown, tears, shakes and all. I sometimes feel like I’m losing my mind, but in a good way…is that even possible? Perhaps it’s the whole fucking point. Losing my negative mind to make space for a healthy and abundant mind.
I never really got on board with saying affirmations in the mirror, but I did start giving myself little pep talks in the frenetic moments that promised to push me over the edge. Physically saying out loud to myself “we are not going to let this ruin our day” or “is this really that big of a deal?” has done wonders for me. I suppose that’s my version of the mirror affirmations. More often, I find myself laughing at the ridiculous ways a morning can go wrong (hello toothpaste on the shirt right before walking out the door!) and trying to “let it flow and let it GO.” I used to think those little quotes were so cheesy, but it’s amazing how they can snap you out of the doom and gloom that you’d grown accustomed to.
The more I let feelings pass through instead of desperately clinging to them like a lifeline, I feel more equipped to handle the bigger feelings and be honest with myself (and my therapist) about how I really feel about past situations or traumas. It’s not really holding onto the fact that I felt used or discarded by someone, it’s recognizing that I have a fear of abandonment. It’s not just apologizing after lashing out at someone, it’s admitting that I didn’t feel safe, seen or heard in that moment and it triggered me. These feelings and big emotions don’t resolve themselves, and they sure as shit don’t need any “help” from alcohol. Identifying and unlearning these defense mechanisms I thought I needed is no easy feat. But without walking through that process, I was robbing myself of feeling all the GOOD.
Anything good that came into my life, historically, I found a way to self-sabotage. Well that’s an entire post in itself, now isn’t it? But with the bad comes the good. I’m washing myself of those tired old ways of surviving and, in turn, learning how to LIVE in the good, rather than dwell on the bad. Just this past weekend, I had a moment of pure JOY. I was driving in the rain and had to figure out how to use the back window wiper thingy. I turned it on and could not stop laughing at how tiny and cute this little wiper was! I’m sure anyone who saw me at that red light thought I was in the middle of a nervous breakdown, but I kept giggling about it and it made me feel so good, I didn’t care if anyone else thought it was silly. It’s amazing how, sometimes, there is magic even in the minutia.
I want more moments like that.
