Here We Go…
Unsure of how to really define what ‘sober curious’ meant to me, I wanted to learn a little about what it’s meant to other people who have gone through the same evolution. A few months ago, I started listening to books on Audible from women who have gotten sober, whether by way of desire to live differently…or sheer necessity. I also started following social media accounts of those that were sober and/or working through their sobriety while healing other parts of themselves. I needed to know it was possible to heal without being pulled back to the escape of alcohol that I’d come to rely on. I wanted to see what a sober life could look like and, even though I know social media is a highlight reel, those highlights were helping me feel more and more comfortable with the idea of becoming a non-drinker.
I saw a comment on a TikTok that said something along the lines of “It can take 3 or 5 or 55 tries, but once you are able to look back on it, it’s incredible to see that you are actually doing it.” My comment on that video was about navigating an upcoming wedding without drinking. For me, those two things have always gone hand in hand. Someone said I could just pretend and order something that looked like a fruity cocktail. While true, it made me a little sad that people have such a hard time accepting that someone wouldn’t want to drink (I am no exception, even though I’m now the one that’s curious). It felt hypocritical to talk about being sober curious while I was sitting there having a glass of wine (or three), but I’m going to give myself grace, knowing that this is not a linear journey. I have a long, dusty ass history of drinking and it’s not an easy thing to move on from. Some days, it’s just too easy to fall back into that comfort zone of meeting a friend for a drink after work. Other days, it’s frustrating when you get that happy hour invite and then no response after you decline. I have gone through myriad emotions in the past few months in trying to dig into why I want this and how I’m going to go through with it. At this point, there’s only one way to find out.
In regards to that wedding, I did drink that weekend, but surprisingly not to the level I’d grown accustomed to back at home. Perhaps it was that I was in a city I’d never been to and staying in a hotel room alone (ladies, you understand). Perhaps it was the memory, or lack thereof, from the bridal shower two months prior where I fell into a rose bush and then had to be hoisted into the car at the end of the night because I could no longer function. Ugh, the shame and embarrassment. I was absolutely certain I did not want to be a mess at any point during this wedding weekend. If anyone was going to be “let’s do shots” level drunk, I’d rather it be the bride and groom. We danced, we laughed, we tried our best to not cry at the excitement of the love we were celebrating…all in all, it was a beautiful weekend and I left feeling grateful to have made it through without any holes in my memory or owed apologies nagging at me. It was definitely a first for me.
When I got home, I decided I was going to do Sober October again this year, since it felt great to have completed it last year. Couple that with buying a new car, and I was feeling the most confident I had in as long as I could remember. I promised myself that this new month, and new car, were going to serve as my fresh start…no more self-sabotage, no more self-doubt, only an abundance of vulnerability and grace and a budding sense of self-worth. The Sober October group I joined online started Monday, October 3rd <insert Mean Girls reference here> so I had one last typical gal’s night on the 1st, which was dinner, two glasses of wine, endless laughter and a 9pm bedtime. It felt good to wake up Sunday morning not cloaked in shame and regret, questioning everything and hating myself. I felt really good…proud even. Here I am, one week in and feeling like this might be easier than last year. More to come…
