Week One Reflection
Reflecting on week one has been uplifting, but there’s also a precarious feeling of uncertainty looming, serving as almost a background fodder to my newfound confidence. I’m proud to say that I had two social gatherings over the weekend (Friday and Sunday) where I brought my own mocktails and felt completely comfortable without feeling tempted to just give in and have a glass of wine. I also took a Monday off ahead of time, where in the past a Monday off would have been me calling in sick (or taking a “personal day”) because Sunday Funday got me again. Looking back at the first sober weekend, I had so much FUN laughing and playing cards and socializing completely sober. Realizing this is what it can be like every single time I venture out was such an eye-opening experience for me. The uncertainty, I think, is my mind’s assumption that some friends don’t/won’t want to hang out with me if I’m not going to drink with them. It's easy to assume I’ll just jump right back in come November 1, but (and I know I keep saying this) it feels different this time. Those same friends may be in for a bit of a surprise when they come to find out this isn’t just Sober October this time around. I’m looking forward to making this a more regular thing, where drinking (if I choose to) would be the rare occasion…quite the opposite, historically speaking. If or when that does happen, that will be something for them to reconcile. I won’t let that be my burden to bear. I’m no longer willing to bend my boundaries for the comfort of other people.
I was talking to a close friend about the time and money spent on drinking and it was a little disturbing. Last year when I took this 30-day break from le booze, I went through and tallied up all the Uber, bar/restaurant and liquor store charges for that year from January through September. It really upset me to see how much money I could have SAVED, or that I could’ve purchased a new car a year ago, or this or that, but instead spent it on a bunch of days/nights out, making poor choices, literally risking my life…and more than half of it that I can’t even remember. I hadn’t had the courage to do that yet this year, but I couldn’t imagine it was far off from 2021. (Update: I did it and it was slightly worse than last year…a flash of regret passed through, but this is about moving forward, right? Onward.)
The other element in the way of spending was time spent. When I was drinking several nights a week, I consistently felt like I had zero downtime. That downtime has become something that is precious (and necessary) to me, in order to protect my mental health. Now that I’m heavily leaning toward becoming a non-drinker, and Sober October is in full swing, I feel like I have my evenings back and my weekends actually feel like full weekends, rather than wasted time spent hungover. The idea of not getting home until 10pm on a Tuesday is far less appealing than before, and I feel better about being more selective with my social outings. I’m not doing it just to get out of the house or because I’m bored, I’m doing it because I value those friendships and want to know how my people are doing and what’s going on in their lives. I think rationing out that time helps keep the social anxiety at bay, for the most part, but also makes time spent more special to me.
I am only one week in this time around, and I feel much more calm and at peace than before. Not to mention, my sleep has improved, which means the luggage under my eyes is a hell of a lot less noticeable and I don’t feel so jumpy and irritable at work. More and more, I want to protect that peace and sense of calm, whether that means saying no to fun things during the week or just saying no more often in general. I’m beginning to learn the difference between what serves me and old habits that have served others, in a people-pleasing, put myself last sort of way. I much prefer to do what serves me and will have to just sit in the uncomfortable moments of saying no until that becomes the norm for me.
Heading into the start of week two, I feel pretty at ease with not drinking, but what I’ve noticed more is that my big feelings aren’t as scary or overwhelming as they were before. Mentally, I have more room to feel those highs and lows without that extreme swing of the pendulum, so to speak. I’m able to feel frustrated in a moment and let it go, rather than let it dictate how my morning will go. If I’m on the verge of tears, it’s because I’m feeling vulnerable enough to tell a friend how much I love them and am able to receive love from friends in kind…not because everything feels so heavy all the time. I don’t want to say it’s sad that this is so new to me, but a part of me wishes the old me had this budding spiritual freedom…so it also feels like a bit of mourning for that old version of me. One day soon, I hope I can look in the mirror and not even see that person anymore, so I can tell her that we made it through.
