It’s a Date…
Monday 2/20/23, I decided I am ready. I’m done struggling with alcohol, knowing goddamn well that the blurry nights, questionable decisions and fuzzy memories is no way to live. I’m done feeling disappointed in myself any time I have to go back and retrieve my car (and my memory) from the night before. This last time, oddly enough, was not even the worst time. My hangover was a little more than mild, but my mental and physical energy were low and I felt sorry for myself once again. I did rally and go to my cousin’s indoor soccer game and then lunch with my aunt, so I was happy that I was still able to spend my Sunday doing things that make me happy. This morning, however, I was fed up with myself for letting it happen again. Spending money, uncomfortable uber situations, going to bars by myself – it’s just not the life I want anymore.
I finally understood why people say, “hitting rock bottom doesn’t always mean losing everything.” It didn’t make sense to me until this morning. I think rock bottom can be different for everyone, and for me, it was the sheer fact that I drove when I shouldn’t have…again. Yes, I ultimately got an Uber home, but that Uber should have happened earlier in the night. I had this funny thought on the way to the soccer game: “I don’t speed because I don’t have ticket money, what makes me think I have DUI money?!” Something happening because of my recklessness is not anything I can handle, mentally or emotionally, not to mention financially. So here I am, brought to my knees thanking God, the Universe and all my guardian angels that it didn’t come to that…and knowing it will be the last time I take that risk. Ultimately, the day I decided was day 1 of legit soberish…meaning I am not aiming to drink at all, but if I do choose to (only on occasion), it won’t be more than two drinks, be it wine or beer. One fear I have is that I’ll trade one vice for another. I don’t want to turn to snacks or overeating in place of drinking, so I will have to make a conscious effort to keep it relatively healthy as much as possible.
February 20th also happened to be the new moon, signaling the transition from Aquarius season to Pisces season. What I read was this period is all about endings and beginnings. Things like situations/habits/relationships coming to a close to make way for bigger things to come. I’m definitely feeling that energy, and perhaps that is what’s fueling this newfound conviction. I’m mostly keeping this to myself, as I am not ready for questions, comments or judgmental “jokes” from anyone. Not to mention, I can’t imagine anyone has faith in me following through with this, considering I’ve been trying to get here for the past 6ish months. I figured this was as good a time as any to start “75 soft” as a way to get myself back to a healthy state (and frame of mind)…and I can use it as my excuse when I pass up a drink. With only my three closest friends in the loop, I feel like I am finally starting this journey…for real this time. I’m sure there will be a myriad of emotions as I wade through, but I’m confident I’ll be able to stay strong and make this change once and for all.
