Welp…I messed up…

I’d already made the decision to go soberish for real, so let’s talk about how I drank on Saturday and made the stupid decision to drive home. Thankfully, nothing happened, but honestly I feel like my luck has run dry on that front. It would only be a matter of time before something tragic and/or life altering happened that I’d have to live with for the rest of my life. I caused my friends to worry and they definitely let me have it. It wasn’t really until the next day, after I’d gone out to inspect my car, that it kicked me in the gut. The dumbest (and most frustrating) part is that I had planned to not drink at all that day! I even brought stuff with me for moscow mule mocktails…but instead, I drank all day and ended it with the dumb decision to drive. The series of apology texts was different this time. It was more of a “thank you for saying what I really needed to hear/face” and “I’m going to heal whatever it is that’s broken in me so this never happens again.”

I took all of Sunday to reflect and lament over the unnecessary risk I’d taken for the last time. I had to face myself and admit that moderation does not work for me. Period. So now, out of more necessity than anything else, I had to make the choice to really change. I’m sure I sound like a broken ass record at this point, but yesterday was my first sober day of the rest of my life. I’m going alcohol-free for good. With no more chances left in the bank, I’m doing this for myself. In my last post, I said I couldn’t live with causing harm to someone because of my stupidity…but I also can’t live with the shame anymore. My private shame is no longer private.

My fear has been (and still is) that everything will change – but now I’m asking myself, what if it all changes for the better? What if I really lean in and get to see everything with clarity, feel everything without that inhibitor? I’m going to try to change the fear into focus and see where it takes me. Wish me luck…lord knows I need all I can get.