Out of Bounds
Let’s talk about boundaries. In my (current) opinion, the most elusive thing you can uphold is a fricken boundary. Sure, it’s easy to set them and feel good about what they’ll do for you (and your peace of mind), but holding them has always proven to be challenging at best. It’s hard enough to expect others to accept, let alone respect, your boundaries once you’ve verbalized them. Expecting (or demanding, rather) yourself to accept, respect and hold the boundaries YOU set for yourself?! How dare you think that’s on me! HA!
I never considered myself a people pleaser until I started to look more into what that actually looks like. Disrespecting and/or not honoring yourself in order to make others feel comfortable is the foundation of people pleasing. Child’s play. But I always looked at it from the lens of being there for someone, or supporting them in their time of need. It never occurred to me that betraying myself time and time and time again was me doing the very thing I said I don’t do! Imagine that. So it was no surprise when I did start to verbalize my boundaries to some of those close to me and they were swiftly dismissed. Telling someone you are no longer available to meet up just for drinks, but would meet up for dinner, is one thing. Having them turn around and invite you to happy hour the very next day/week and you abandoning that notion will only leave you feeling defeated or stuck.
It's easy to get upset at others for not respecting your boundaries, but how is it their fault if they’re essentially following your lead? I’m the one responsible for honoring myself and my peace. If I’m also the one letting the edges fray, it’s not fair to point the finger at someone else for acting accordingly. Now, if you voice your boundaries and someone continually disregards them, it kinda does one of two things: 1. Shows you where they are in their life; and 2. Shows you how thin the line of respect being walked is. Ultimately, if a friend or family member refuses to accept or respect a boundary you set, whether in general or with them specifically, you can then put them where they fit in your life…even if that means they no longer do. My favorite quote on the subject is this: “The ones that get upset by you setting boundaries are those who benefitted from you having none.”
It took me truly stepping back and spending time alone to reevaluate my habits and attempt to uncover why it seemed so easy to ditch my own plan for someone else’s comfort. Now that I have, I can’t unsee those patterns and am no longer interested in disrespecting myself to make anyone else feel good. It’s wild to me that after all these years of assuming I knew certain things about myself, it comes down to resenting in others what I wasn’t willing to admit about who I was. Leaning in and listening to my intuition, turning down invitations even when it sounds like a great time and honoring my need for downtime and reflection will only serve me more and more as I sit with the why behind it all. Learning and unlearning isn’t always the worst thing in the world, but it’s also not the easiest. I know well enough by now that healing isn’t linear and neither is growth. I choose to embrace it.
