Showing Up
Showing up for myself is something I thought was a given…turns out, it actually takes a lot more effort than I imagined. To really be present, to find and appreciate the moments that bring you joy is deeper than just posting an Instagrammable memory. Showing up authentically and allowing yourself to be seen and heard is an incredibly vulnerable thing, which is why it doesn’t always come easy.
A lot of showing up for yourself comes in the unseen. When no one is around to hold you to your word, keeping promises you’ve made to yourself is where you can build the foundation. I’m notorious for buying new planners and using them diligently for the first few weeks, even carrying them with me everywhere I go, only to inevitably let them start collecting dust. Instead of picking one back up where I left off, I convince myself that this other style of planner will be better suited to my goals and “I’ll for sure stick to this one.” HA! Joke’s on me. I’m pretty sure I have at least five of them in various places in my house (even one on the bookshelf because it has a pretty cover…they’ll never know). It’s not my greatest habit, obviously, but I think what it boils down to is the goals written in all of those journals lack commitment. I mean, who is going to hold me accountable to my goals if not me, right?! They’re a high level, probably generic, set of goals that I think I should be making to better myself, be it physically, mentally, financially or otherwise. Woof. I can’t say it’s fun to admit that I lack conviction when it comes to my fucking LIFE.
Socially, showing up for others can seem easier saying no to honor yourself. But that’s a huge part of the problem. Saying yes when you know you don’t have the bandwidth only perpetuates the overwhelm. It robs you of the time you could be giving to yourself to decompress, to check in with yourself, to get things done, have a good cry or to just REST. I have struggled with this a lot this year, saying yes when I know (assume) someone needs me to show up for them, swiftly ignoring my own need for downtime and quiet comfort. It would be easy to assume it’s just FOMO, but I seem to have no problem being more selective when it comes to group gatherings where I’m likely to be overstimulated. I think it’s the 1:1 connection that I crave that whispers in my ear to just say yes…now that I’ve recognized what I need is connection, rather than socializing, it’s glaringly obvious I need to evaluate that further.
Setting and holding boundaries can be one of the most important ways to show up for yourself. People, whether intentionally or unintentionally, will try to bend those boundaries when it benefits them. It’s up to me to hold tight to the boundaries that preserve my mental and emotional health. I saw a quote once that read “The only people who get upset by you setting boundaries, are those who benefitted from you having none.” People who consistently test your boundaries are only there to serve themselves. It gets tough when you start to stay true to yourself and get the “you’ve changed” attitude. Well, guess what, my guy? We are supposed to change. Change is constant and ever-present in life, so to say it with a negative connotation when I’m holding a boundary I’ve set for myself only shows me you either don’t respect me or aren’t ready or willing to change. Either way, it only strengthens my need for that boundary. And so we carry on…
I am walking a path to that continues to provide further clarity and understanding of who I’m meant to be, or perhaps who I’ve always been deep down, and I’m getting closer with each entry I write. I can feel weight falling away, clearing that path for me. I am ready to start embracing the light and the joy and ready to really honor myself by continuing to learn what brings me happiness, what serves me and what holds me back. This is how I show up for myself.
