Threading the Needle

I’m a long-standing member of the secret drinker’s club. The “no one will know if I drink at home by myself unless I tell them” club. Contemplating what sober-ish is going to mean for me is definitely forcing me to look at my private behaviors – which includes my clandestine affair with wine. On Fridays after work, I love to go trolling for snacks at Trader Joe’s (it’s pretty much across the street from my office). I have a few go-to snacks, the classic chip & dip combo, popcorn, etc., but by the time I circle around toward the registers I have to pass the wine section. Most times I can easily just breeze right past it, happy with my collection of snacks and be on my merry way. Other times, however, I slow down…pretend I’m browsing like I don’t know what I’m looking for, grab one of my favorite reds and stash it in my basket quickly like I’m going to get caught.

When I occasionally go through my bank and credit card statements to evaluate my spending, my “food & booze tally” only consists of purchases from bars, restaurants, Total Wine and the drive through liquor store near my house. I’m acutely aware of the times I’ve gone to Safeway or Trader Joe’s and snuck in a bottle of wine knowing I won’t count it in the tally. She thinks she’s so smooth. In the moment, I’m trying to convince myself that I can drink and keep it in control or have just one and be fine. Well if that’s not missing the effing point, I don’t know what is.

Is the secrecy a problem? Absolutely. Do I think it makes me an alcoholic? There are plenty of other things that could land me in that category, but no. What it does, though, is defeat the purpose behind what I’m doing here. Let’s call a spade a spade. If I really want to look at my behaviors and find my way through to be able to feel and process emotions, have good and bad days, heal and strengthen relationships with myself as well as with others, I no help to myself by shame-drinking in private. The only way forward is through, right? So, here’s to being honest and transparent with myself where  alcohol is concerned.

That being said, my intent with this sober-ish mission is to inherently change my relationship with alcohol. To no longer use it as an escape or a crutch. To be able to enjoy it as an indulgence, not a hobby. To not let it take over my weekend (or any given evening) and throw my whole body out of whack. The thing is, I don’t know if that’s attainable for me. My mindset in testing these theories is so fundamentally backward, I’m just setting myself up for failure. As always, I’m still learning and growing through this…