Trying, Failing and Falling
It’s safe to say that changing a long-standing habit (good or bad) is not a linear thing. I have been trying for months to change my drinking habits in different ways, but I seem to be on a ferris wheel where effort is concerned. During the week I have been good about doing my own thing (gym, cooking for myself, reading, etc.) or saying no to things that don’t serve me, but when the weekend comes around, my efforts seem to be tucked right into my back pocket and off I go to meet a friend for drinks on a Saturday afternoon. I wonder if it’s because there’s more time in the day to get things done and the downtime is my weak spot. It could also be that the weather is finally nice here, making the go-to meet up drinks on a patio. Whatever the excuse, I still find myself questioning why it’s still so easy to give in and go for the patio drinks, rather than stick to my plan and do something that doesn’t involve drinking or lead to that inevitable downward spiral.
I heard a quote recently that said “I hope you fail. If you fail, that means you’re trying. Knowledge, bravery and courage are all built from failure.” So I guess I am back at square one, but still trying. While I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing, I do know that I want to keep moving in this direction. The more times I stand my ground, the more I want to hold on to that feeling. Knowing I will wake up sober and have zero chance of a hangover-related shame spiral or a frantic search through my calls/messages make the effort of saying no and sticking to it so worth it. So failing…and giving in…is actually helping me, which is kind of a surprise. It’s just another reminder of why I’m doing this and what I want to get out of not drinking.
I was talking to a girlfriend about how I have a hard time being proud of myself for things I accomplish, big or small. I have a propensity to minimize things that internally feel huge, but also seem like ‘normal’ things that people do. Recently buying a new car, upgrading my living room setup, adding décor/style to my home where there was little to none before…these things feel huge to me. Outwardly, however, I think to myself “well this is shit people do every day, so why would anyone care that I did it?” It’s a lot of the “who do I think I am?” mindset, rather than “FUCK YEAH, I did that!” I have a hard time believing that anyone else would be proud of me, or as proud as I am of myself. It feels like a private victory, because most people don’t know how far down I had to start in order to dig myself out of the dark and twisty. I feel fucking GOOD about the things I’m doing to better myself, but I’m so used to keeping it to myself that I don’t know how to share without feeling arrogant or self-involved. It’s easier to shrug my shoulders and put up a front like it’s no big deal. Piling more things onto the list of what I’m learning and unlearning, I suppose.
In short, I feel like failure can be two things: a catalyst or a catastrophe. It’s all about how you are able to take a step back and look at the failure to decide whether you see it as a reminder of what you really want (catalyst) or an end-all to the plans you made for yourself (catastrophe). The best part is that you get to choose. Give yourself grace in failure, sit with what you’re feeling and get back on the path that gives you peace AND feeds your soul. Retrace as many steps as you have to (that’s the trying and falling part), but always come back to what makes you feel good, inspired, peaceful and whole.
